The End Times.Posted: January 7, 2008
If your reading of John’s Revelation of Jesus Christ leads you to believe in the idea of a pre-tribulation rapture AND if you are reading this, then i have this to say to you:
You were wrong.
It is being hailed as the “Harbinger of the Armageddon” by popular theologians and astronomers in South America and Australia have labeled it, “Doomsday”, “Wormwood” and “The Mark of the Beast”. Global warming is a joke in light of this alarming development.
You still have time to repent, though, even if you were wrong in your eschatological calculations. I have a zit on my chin and we’re pretty sure that it’s what the Bible was talking about when it foretold “the Abomination that causes Desolation” and it’s visible on Google Earth. I thought that the Revelation was just a coded letter to the xians under persecution- but apparently not, because this zit is huge and may be mistaken in the northern hemisphere for the Wolf Star, which the ancients spoke of only in hushed tones in the gloaming and the darks of their cloisters.
This is bad news, kids. Superman, Batman and Green Lantern wouldn’t have the power to stop it even if they teamed up. If Magneto joined them, they might have a chance but it’s not likely he’s going to cross that divide- even with the world at stake. The Vatican has already mobilised its heretofore secret Robot Army in preparation for the days ahead- there’s no going back now.
I feel bad ’cause it’s my zit and all- so, sorry about the next seven years, but thought you’d appreciate the heads-up. Now, run for the hills.