The Art of the Checkout

Here’s something that won’t be news… at my last two jobs, i have checked out emotionally after about a year and a half. Both jobs were pretty intense, i was an integral part of what happened and then something happened- and instead of dealing with it, i checked out.

It’s not been until recently that i understood this as a pattern or could even understand it enough to talk about. In both cases, i came to a place where i didn’t feel as “in” as i once was. I felt like things were happening without my input. I felt like decisions were made that i should have made. So, not understanding my own feelings, i checked out.

When i say check out, i mean this: I still show up early, still put in the hours, still do all the right things and do them the right way. you can’t question my work ethic or my commitment on the surface- it’s just that i’m not engaged anymore… almost to the point of not caring. I mean, i want people to think i still care, but i don’t and they can see that anyway.

It’s rather late to check back in to those places. My own toxicity keeps me away to a certain extent. And it takes a lot to build up that kind of trust again. Actually, it’s weird to acknowledge this business of checking out and conceive of a situation where i wouldn’t just check out again. I recognise a couple of the triggers now, but can’t account for the timeline similarities. Really kind of need to build  trust in myself again.

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