The Knife

This is a post about a knife and a piece of rope that does not end with a “frayed knot” punchline.

So first, the knife. Um, how about some context for the knife. The knife, as you would have found out by reading, is designed by Bear Grylls– who is found in the blogroll to the right-ish. Bear Grylls has become a hero of sorts for me, inspiring numerous ideas for television spin-offs like “Man Vs. Office” and “Man Vs. Neighborhood” (these are ideas only in my mind- for which, sadly, there is not an available link). His fear doesn’t keep him from tackling crazy obstacles, and it’s fun watching everything turn out okay in an hour’s time. Back to the knife.

This knife costs about 700usd.

I have no interest in paying $700 for a stupid knife. I wouldn’t take it camping because i’d be scared to. I wouldn’t display it, because it’s meant to be functional. It would sit in a backpack somewhere in the attic, protected from the dust, but completely useless. (Maybe i should tell you about the time i ‘tried’ to bring a hunting knife on a plane in Athens using the ingenious “they’ll never find it in the side pocket of my backpack” trick…)

This knife, however, is not a stupid knife. This is a Bear Grylls-inspired design knife. I have a deep desire to own this knife. There’s no justification for it- just the simple, sweet desire to receive at my home this modernised ancient weapon in mail, wrapped in bubble stuff inside a cardboard box. I’ll come back to this later.

Next, the piece of rope.

I want a coil of rope over my shoulder. Not just any random piece of rope, either. It needs to be a slender, high quality, 1.5tonne, 75ft. length of climbing rope. People, regardless of where i go, would assume that i could use that rope to climb whatever i felt like- whenever i felt like. I would be a threat to just start climbing stuff. A fancy party. A dangerous rock face. Doesn’t matter. I might start climbing. But really, I just want a coil of rope over my shoulder. Fact is, it wouldn’t come off my shoulder.

I think it started with Alpine. He comes with a permanent coil over his shoulder and across his torso. It doesn’t matter where he’s at- whether it’s a fancy party of climbing the north face with Cobra Troopers raining down death lasers- he’s got that length of rope around him. He can’t actually use it. He comes with a seperate piece of string with grapple-thingies on it if you want to recreate the north face scene. But the plastic molded rope? It’s just there to look cool. There’s something to that.

It’s also important to point out that I would probably be wearing khakis and some random t-shirt with all this gear. I can’t climb. I wouldn’t even know how to hold the knife. No fatigues, assault rifle or combat boots. No infrared goggles for night ops or M2 Bradley to jump down from. I actually don’t even have a codename prepared for this. I would look like a fool if i actually took this gear anywhere.

I just want the knife and rope. Maybe i could keep it in a desk drawer Indy-style so it looks like i might pull the knife and rope out and toss it in a suitcase for my next adventure.

Ed’s. Note: “Man Vs. Neighborhood” LOL!

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